NED NATTER
He’s tall, skinny and scruffy, he has long sideburns and unkempt hair, he wears a traditional smock top and brown trousers, big steel toe shite kickers the leather’s gone, with laces made of old orange or fluorescent pink twine, he doesn’t seem to go anywhere without his pitchfork [shite-fork]. Born on a farm in Dorset on the south coast of England, there was a rumor that Ned was born in a stable, but the truth is simple Ned was born in the same hay barn he was conceived in, nine months later and five months after his parents got married.
RUSH "TO THE RESTROOM"
Me guest political correspondent and incontinent has to rush to the bathroom frequently and never quite finishes his commentary. He was born in Grundy County TN and did spend years in DC, only not lobbying, he was a conservative senator’s chauffeur, all those long waits caused Rush to get a weak bladder. But when a little scandal blew up - see Rush knew everywhere the Senator went, he drove him there, old Rush got a nice pay off and bought a small farm in Florida. Still all those years of rhetoric have rubbed off on Rush and he still chats to like-minded folks in DC, so his opinions are up to date but always a little out of whack too!
ELSIE NATTER (The trouble & strife)
You never see old Elsie, Ned's upset as she still insists on wearing a thong and that’s why there’s a worldwide shortage of elastic. She’s pear-shaped all bottom and no top, has a cigarette burning in her visible hand. Her thighs are wide her calves nearly match, she wears flip-flops and an ankle [Anchor] chain, she’s always got that annoying ankle biting mutt (she named Ned) at her dirty feet. Elsie was, according to Ned, born in a cowshed, but we know nothing more about her.
DOLLY NATTER (And you thought only sheep were cloned)
Ned's daughter and stable lass, she fell off her bike when she was 5 and has never been right since. Always wears a white tee-shirt covered in shite with the Natter logo "Ned Natter Shite Matters" - Dolly was born, we know little else.
NAN NATTER (The Old Crow)
Ned’s neurotic 94 year old mother is not only a sight for blinkered eyes, she’s a miserable moaning old hag that gets into a state about the simplest things. She hates her limited income, people who use coupons at the store, men with beards, men without beards, farm animals and her own reflection. She is rude, out of date and over here, Ned tells everyone she was a stowaway on the Mayflower and that he didn’t invite her. She’s skinny, with a hairy chin and a grey-white beehive hairdo from the 50’s, she’s got thick, incredibly thick horn rim specs, and always wears a torn scruffy pale blue cardigan, a brown knee length skirt and those furry bootie type slippers. She’s got a cane walking stick, sometimes a walker. Ned can’t decide if she’s aged 90 or 1090, she looks more like an old tortoise only without the shell. Born in Dorset countless years ago, according to Ned her parents had to fight off dinosaurs on the prowl for fresh meat at the time.
SKIP NATTER
Ned claims another distant relative, Skip Natter is a cockney sounding Londoner who ran off to Australia to make his fortune, only they didn’t like the sound of his ideas [or his voice] Skip calls in now and again asking for financial help for one of his crackpot business schemes. Ned reckons Skip was born in the London gutter where he was later adopted by a road sweeper and his wife.
BUC NATTER
Ned's twin brother, toys with farming, mostly horses, see Buc is the original Natter family ‘turf accountant’, all cash is invested in gambling, betting on horses [the gee-gees]. The odds are high and Buc is frequently in hiding.
Additional regular guests
DING DANG (The farm help - ya’ll)
A born and raised Southerner, he spends most of day dodging work on the farm.
FIFTY PER-CENT (Ned's Agent)
Always on the telephone cutting deals, thirty dollar suit, cigar in the other hand, incapable of a smile.
LUIGI SPAGHETTORI (I lova Ferrari’s but ended up fixina tractors)
Ned’s friendly but unhappy Italian auto mechanic.
BILLY RAY (Me closest neighbor)
“Sumpm aint right wid yo hens Ned!" - 400 pounds and local, always has a beer or soda can at his lips and frequently spits.
ALVIN ANGST
Always shouting and complaining, Ned felt sorry for him and gave him a good job, cleaning out the pigs.
PASHANA KONDAPINDI
Ned’s Indian friend - he an Indian restaurant, 7-11 and a gas station, always looking to do things on the cheap usually with disastrous results.
NIGEL PONCE
Ned’s ‘gentleman farmer’ friend from England, a rare and snobby visitor. They used to be neighbors, Ponce is always trying to get Ned to leave Florida and come back to run his farm in England.